Tag: self talk

When people say or do mean things to us, it can hurt a lot. It can ‘scramble’ our thoughts a bit too. Words can cause a lot of pain and damage, so if someone has used unkind words against you this might have caused a ‘wound’ in your mind and emotions.

Because being bullied is very painful and difficult to deal with we can end up believing that the mean things people said or say about us are true. Instead of being our own best friend, we can bully ourselves by what we say to ourselves in our minds (what grown ups call ‘self talk’). This can happen even when the bullying stops. That’s what happened to me. After a couple of years when the bullies were no longer in my class at school and I became friends with nicer people, the cruel way people treated me left me feeling very bad about myself. I didn’t know how to deal with it, and in my mind I kept repeating the bad things and in a way ‘bullying’ myself. I would say mean things about myself because people had been so mean to me, and I didn’t know how to cope.

I didn’t have anyone telling me how to deal with things and because people only see what’s on the outside, no one really knew the damage that was happening in my mind. Even as a grown up I have struggled with these thoughts and have had to work really, really hard to change them into kind thoughts about myself, and I am still working on it.

I don’t want you to have to go through such a hard time, so I want to tell you how important it is that you try to think kind thoughts about yourself now, no matter what anyone else has said about you. Imagine that you have a friend who you really like and you think good things about them. Now imagine that a bully started being mean to your friend, what would you do? Even if you didn’t feel brave enough to do anything at the time, afterwards you would probably try to comfort your friend and be kind to them. You’d maybe ask them if they were ok, give them a hug or do something to make them feel better. You might use your words to encourage them and help them feel good about themselves. If the bully called them ‘stupid’ you might tell them that you think they’re smart, and remind them of the things that they are good at. If the bully called them ‘ugly’ or some other mean words then you might tell them something nice about their appearance and that they are a lovely person and you are happy that they are your friend. If the bully hurt them physically you might get help for them.

When our friends are hurt, we want to protect them, be kind to them, help them, and make them feel better. When we get hurt, we can find it really difficult to manage all the unpleasant feelings that we experience, and we can end up being really horrible to ourselves. But as difficult as it might be, we need to try to treat ourselves with the same kindness as we would treat our friends when they are in trouble, instead of bullying ourselves by saying mean things in our minds about ourselves. Have you ever thought mean things about yourself? Sometimes we tell ourselves lies, because we believe they are true even though they are not, things like ‘I’m ugly, I’m stupid, I’m horrible’. Do you do this? Instead of being another bully to yourself, say to yourself if someone was mean to my friend, what would I do or say to make them feel better? I should be a good friend to myself. And then do or think something nice about yourself. Every time you feel like being mean to yourself, say something nice instead, keep practicing this over and over and be your own best friend.